You Just Got Smoten
Ariel Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel, had a stroke a few days ago and remains gravely ill. Science would have you believe that this stroke was caused by biological reasons or maybe even an unhealthy lifestyle, but Science clearly hasn't been watching ABC Family lately. If it did, maybe it would have caught Pat Robertson's show where he made it very clear that reason for Sharon's stroke was that God was throwing a hissy fit. According to Robertson, God was all pissed about Sharon leaving Gaza, and giving it to the Palestinians in an attempt to promote "peace" in the Middle East, so he smote him.
I know what you're thinking, "The past tense of smite is smote and not smited?" Yeah, crazy huh, I didn't know either.
I guess it makes sense that God would punish Sharon for withdrawing from Gaza. I mean the other day God punished me by making me go to the doctor's office and I didn't even do anything. By the way, I understand that non-pediatric doctor office's shouldn't be obligated to offer its patients stickers and/or lolli pops, but they should at least have a few on hand for when someone requests them. The way I see it, if I'm going to give you some of my life force (blood), I deserve a delicious reward in the form of a hard candy attached to a stick, and there better be a red flavor left because I don't suck on other colors.
Anywho, this smiting thing really opens a plethora of questions that we need to address. For example, can I be smote twice for something I did, or is it once I've been smote for something that's it and both me and God can move on with our lives. Like if I do something wrong and God smites me and I say under my breath, "Eh that wasn't so bad" will he immedeately smite me again with a smite so hard I can't walk for a week, because that's what I would do if someone disrepsected my smiting like that.
Also, what if God accidently smites me for something someone else did? I think if that happens I should be able to have some kind of smiting credit, like I can do one bad thing without being smote. I hope that happens to me because then if someone tries to start crap with me I can say "You better watch it dude cause I could mess you up big and God wont even smite me." At first he wouldn't believe me, but then I'd show him my credit smite and explain what happened and he'd get it, and if he doesn't I guess I'd just sock him in the throat, because whatever man I don't even know you.
Another question I think needs to be raised is that what if God over smites you? Is there some kind of Court of Appeals for that, maybe ran by Thaddaeus the apostle that needs to start lifting his weight. For example let's say that I kick a baby in a fit of joy without realizing, and God goes, "Oh no you didn't Torio" so he smites me by making me pregnant. And then a few months later when I'm in my second trimester I go out to eat, let's say at Togos, with a buddy and I find out that he too kicked a baby and all he got for his smiting was a cavity, I think I should be able to appeal that. I understand that God is against abortion so he couldn't get rid of my baby completely, but maybe he could make him be born with the power to shoot "lasers" out of his eyes. I don't know, the laser eyes is just one idea, me and God could sit down and really talk out what's best.
I also think God should set up some kind of reciept service at least for the really big smitings. Like if I get hit by a car I don't want to have to think, "Hmm I wonder what that was about." It would be better if he just said to me, "That's for looking at your sister in the shower."
Why hasn't Waldo come out with a new book in a while?,
Torio
I know what you're thinking, "The past tense of smite is smote and not smited?" Yeah, crazy huh, I didn't know either.
I guess it makes sense that God would punish Sharon for withdrawing from Gaza. I mean the other day God punished me by making me go to the doctor's office and I didn't even do anything. By the way, I understand that non-pediatric doctor office's shouldn't be obligated to offer its patients stickers and/or lolli pops, but they should at least have a few on hand for when someone requests them. The way I see it, if I'm going to give you some of my life force (blood), I deserve a delicious reward in the form of a hard candy attached to a stick, and there better be a red flavor left because I don't suck on other colors.
Anywho, this smiting thing really opens a plethora of questions that we need to address. For example, can I be smote twice for something I did, or is it once I've been smote for something that's it and both me and God can move on with our lives. Like if I do something wrong and God smites me and I say under my breath, "Eh that wasn't so bad" will he immedeately smite me again with a smite so hard I can't walk for a week, because that's what I would do if someone disrepsected my smiting like that.
Also, what if God accidently smites me for something someone else did? I think if that happens I should be able to have some kind of smiting credit, like I can do one bad thing without being smote. I hope that happens to me because then if someone tries to start crap with me I can say "You better watch it dude cause I could mess you up big and God wont even smite me." At first he wouldn't believe me, but then I'd show him my credit smite and explain what happened and he'd get it, and if he doesn't I guess I'd just sock him in the throat, because whatever man I don't even know you.
Another question I think needs to be raised is that what if God over smites you? Is there some kind of Court of Appeals for that, maybe ran by Thaddaeus the apostle that needs to start lifting his weight. For example let's say that I kick a baby in a fit of joy without realizing, and God goes, "Oh no you didn't Torio" so he smites me by making me pregnant. And then a few months later when I'm in my second trimester I go out to eat, let's say at Togos, with a buddy and I find out that he too kicked a baby and all he got for his smiting was a cavity, I think I should be able to appeal that. I understand that God is against abortion so he couldn't get rid of my baby completely, but maybe he could make him be born with the power to shoot "lasers" out of his eyes. I don't know, the laser eyes is just one idea, me and God could sit down and really talk out what's best.
I also think God should set up some kind of reciept service at least for the really big smitings. Like if I get hit by a car I don't want to have to think, "Hmm I wonder what that was about." It would be better if he just said to me, "That's for looking at your sister in the shower."
Why hasn't Waldo come out with a new book in a while?,
Torio
posted by Torio | 9:16 PM
1 Comments:
Smite!
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