Bush Faces Possible Censure

Senator Russ Feingold of Wisconsin told TRoT directly on Sunday that he intends to introduce a relosution Monday that would lead to a censure on President Bush. Feingold said that the president violated the law with his domestic wiretapping program and that a censure is imminent. You're probably wondering what a censure is exactly. Yeah you and everyone else, because a censure is basically nothing.

Straight from the US Senate's official webpage: "... a censure (sometimes referred to as condemnation or denouncement) does not remove a senator from office. It is a formal statement of disapproval, however, that can have a powerful psychological effect on a member and his/her relationships in the Senate." It's also possible for a president to receive a censure, although it has only been done once. Basically, a censure is nothing but a formal statement that says, "Hey people think you're a dick."

Just when you dont think the Democrats couldn't be bigger pussies than they already are, whamo, they prove you wrong. They're going to censure him? Big deal, my mom censures me everytime I go over my text messaging limit on my cellphone. And do I listen? How about you give me your phone number, and I'll text you my answer to that question. Yeah that's right, my mom still pays for my cell phone, and I am in no way ashamed of that. The family plan just makes sense.

Anywho, I think it's time for some changes in the senate to happen. Instead of a resolution for a censure, how about a resolution for a cage fight. I don't really know what the resolution would entail if it were to actually pass in the senate, but I think it would only make sense for it to involve some form of cage fighting. Or maybe cage fighting isn't the way to go, but I don't see how censures aren't a waste of time and money. But listen, if you want to waste time and money, I've got a ton of ideas for that, all of which are better than cesnures. Here's a list of just a few great ideas to waste both time and money:

1. Write and read blogs.

2. Build moats of yoo-hoo around the poor neighborhoods of our country. Yeah, they might be pissed at first, but it's yoo-hoo so how pissed can they be?

3. Purchase me a house and fund the many parties I will throw at it. You're probably not invited, but you can spend your time thinking about how awesome it would be if you were.

4. Invade Iraq.

It'll be like Brewster's Millions,
Torio

UN to Decrease Aid to Darfur

Maybe you're unaware, but there's a place in Africa called Darfur and people wont stop trying to make it a big deal. Apparently the government is really cruel and people are starving, but so is that anorexic girl on the Real World so I don't see how it's our problem. She has all kinds of food at her disposal, but you wont find her eating all the time, because she's a true patriot. Maybe you should take a page from her book Darfur, and stop complaining about not having food. We get it, you're hungry.

Now, you're probably wondering if you should care about this whole Darfur situation? Well, you shouldn't, you have too much to worry about, like how St. Patrick's Day is right around the corner, and you don't have any plans yet. Maybe consider getting drunk. Anywho, the UN says its 2006 budget for aid to Darfur will be decreased roughly 44% as compared to last year.

Great idea.

Sometimes people criticize the UN for being a pointless organization that wastes all of our time and money. But then they go and cut aid to Darfur, and completely thwart any doubts of their necessity. When a country is in a brutal civil war and most of its citizens are starving why give them aid? You shouldn't. Instead, let's use that money to buy some tanks, because tanks are cool.

The UN had intended to give roughly 33 million dollars in aid to Darfur this year, but decided to lower that number to somewhere around 18.5 million. Since the three year conflict between the government and rebels began, over 1.5 million people have become homeless, often traveling from town to town doing ridiculous stuff to try and survive. But we've all heard that story before right, so let's not get into that downer again. However, if we do math we realize that 18.5 million dollars distributed to 1.5 million citizens mean that each person gets $12.33 for the year. Plus you have to figure a good amount of people have probably starved or been shot since you started reading this blog, so that number is only getting bigger. Well let me let you in on a secret Darfur: You can get a grande meal at Taco Bell for $8.99. That's your choice of any combination of 10 tacos or bean burritos. Mmm, yea, getting excited? Plus that leaves you with about $3.34 for vitamins, vaccinations, or treatment for the HIV, although I'd recommend you get a churro and a drink. Problem solved, well done UN, that's just some good financial planning. So all of you crazies trying to make us spend our precious time feeling bad about the conditions in Africa, you can stop now, that fire has been put out.

And that goes for every little thing that you radicals try and make a big deal. For example, hey Hollywood, quit telling us about how America screwed the Indians over. I don't care how many Colin Farrell movies you make telling me that we stole some land and killed almost an entire race, I'm not going to feel guilty about it. You forget that we are American, and as Americans we are born with the innate ability to not give a shit. You might call it apathy, but I call it the easy way to board the fun train. So keep those eyes and ears shut America, unless of course you're watching American Idol, because remember you love America and you love Idols. And when the two come together ohhhh man, get excited because good times are a-coming.

Don't forget the hot sauce,
Torio

Mmmmmmm Oscar's Breadsticks

So the Oscar's have come and gone, leaving all of us all thinking yet again, how does the academy continue to snub Torio? Listen, I can understand your disbelief, and I am very flattered for the public outcry, but let me put all your minds at ease. I've never actually appeared in a movie. It's true. Although contrary to popular belief I was not the actor for the following parts:

Flounder, in the Little Mermaid: No this little guy was played by an actual fish. Thanks for appreciating that I have that kind of range though.

Dottie Henson, in the A League of Their Own: Again not me, this part was actually played by Geena Davis. I was casted for Dottie Henson but turned down the part when I showed up the first day of filming only to find that the orange M&M's had not be removed from my candy dish. You're welcome Geena Davis.

King Kong, in King Kong: Nope, that was my brother.

Silent Bob, in Dogma: Nay, I don't do movies with Ben Affleck.

Tyler Durden, in Fight Club: Oh yea that was me actually, screw you academy.

Getting back to this year's Oscars, I have to say that I am not pleased. I didn't see all of the movies up for nomination, but I'm pretty sure I saw previews and/or commercials for each of them so I think I can safely say I know who should have won. Here it is.

First off, how in the world did King Kong win the Oscar for achievement in sound mixing over Memoirs of a Geisha? Nobody can mix some sound like Kevin O'Connell, Greg P. Russell, Rick Kline and John Pritchett, and I would have thought that to be obvious.

Secondly, I was glad to see that Wallace & Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit won the Oscar for best animated feature film of the year, but why did the academy stop there? Wallace & Gromit showed a beautiful display of important social commentary mixed in with light hearted moral lessons much more eloquently then Crash did. Plus it was clay animation, therefore the obvious pick for best picture.

Next, I don't know who the actor is who played Truman Capote, in Capote, but Phillip Seymour Hoffman should give him his Oscar, because that guy nailed it.

And finally, Reese Witherspoon, seriously? Listen I'm sure she did a fine job in Walk the Line, but how could the academy overlook the obvious winner for best actress this year. I am of course speaking of the actress who played Big Momma in this year's biggest hit, Big Momma's House 2.

Ryan Phillipe is officially the bitch,
Torio

Let the Race Begin

Now that the Olympics and Mardi Gras are over we can get back to talking about what is importnat, the 2008 presidential election. Yes it may be over 2 1/2 years away, but what do you have to do between now and then anyway? I suppose you might think we should talk about current issues, like the ensuing civil war in Iraq or Dancing with the stars. But nay, living in the now sucks. I like to live solely in the past and future, for that is where the good times lie.

For example, if I want to talk about the past I could talk about the delicious sandwich I had for dinner. And if I want to talk about the future, I could discuss with you the next delicious sandwich I intend to devour. But here in the present, no sandwiches, and that my friends is why the present blows.

But for now we are talking about a particular part of the future, the 2008 presidential election. Many people in the media (which is ran by neither conservatives nor liberals, but instead flesh eating robots... yea robots don't even need to eat flesh, they just do it because they're that bad ass) will try to tell you that they know who the frontrunners for president are. But they're liars. Democrats might try to give you the spiel on why Hillary Clinton has a shot at being president, but remember Democrats enjoy losing, so who cares who they nominate. And the Republicans might try to say one of their popular moderates like John McCain or Rudi Guilliani will take the reigns for the Republicans. But no, they won't try to follow up George Bush with some non-violent pussy like these dudes. But don't fret, I'm here to paint the 2008 election picture for you. I know who's going to take home the win.

No, it's not me, I'm busy in November 2008. I'm taking Oprah on a cruise to the Bahamas. But she thinks were going to Africa to build some schools, so let's keep that on the downlow. Anywho, here are the top five candidates for the next president of the United States. I'll narrow it down for you as the months go by. I suggest you start some kind of office pool on who will win.


1. The Kool-Aid man. Oh you don't think he has a chance? Well oh yeaaaahhhh he does bitch. What doesn't he have that we look for in every president? He has confidence, he has a cool catch phrase, he's filled with a delicious ice cold beverage and when push comes to shove he can kick some ass. A lot of people think we need a president that promotes diversity rather than an old white male. Well since our society wont elect a woman or black president, what spells diversity more than a pitcher of kool-aid?

2. Zack Morris. Let's face it we've gotten ourselves into some problems. This war in Iraq was not what we thought it was going to be. Well then why not elect the best problem solver of our time, Zackary Morris. I feel safe trusting any man to run my country that has proven himself time and time again capable of outwitting Mr. Belding. And even if he does get into some trouble, think of all the lasting relationships and life long lessons we will gain. Plus I think Screech will make an amazing international diplomat.


3. Mitch Bush. Turns out George Bush has a brother we didn't know about named Mitch. Pretty crazy huh? What's also crazy is that he has the exact same beliefs and goals as his his brother George. In fact, the only thing different about the two brothers is that Mitch has a cool looking moustache. So if you're a fan of what we have now, then you'll love Mitch, because let's face it, moustaches make everything cooler.

4. Alf. Alf simply resignates well among the typical American voter. He likes everything every Joe-Shmo does, and he's funny looking. Don't tell me you don't think Alf would increase the State of the Union ratings by roughly 1000%. I could watch Alf for days. I probably wouldn't, but I'm just telling you that I could. Alf brings something to the table none of the other candidates have. The experience of traveling in space. If any country were to get out of line, Alf would not only know how to handle it, but would be able to finish up the job with a witty one liner leaving all of us wanting more. But you can't have more you greedsters, knock it off.

5. The Three Amigos. I don't know why really. You could try to give me a reason why not but it would probably just result in me kicking you in the throat.

Well there it is, let the race begin. I personally know who I'm rooting for, but I wouldn't want to give that candidate an advantage by influencing voters to vote for him. I notice that none of these candidates are female, and for that I am sorry. I personally would love to vote for a lady, but you must understand that the red states are idiots, but vote in mass quantity, hence why the smartest guy on this list is a jar of juice.

Bam Zadam,
Torio

Where've ya been?

Many of you have been emailing me, and even calling me, regarding the blogs lack of activity over the past month. And to those, I say, how the hell did you get my number? Some of you have said some pretty harsh things, and I recognize that my hiatus in teaching you how to run your life may be damaging to your fragile psyches. But I have not been spending the last month just wasting my time and basking in the advantages given to me by my extreme fame.

No friends, I have been following my dream.

You're probably wondering what my dream is. Well I normally don't tell people about my dream, because I fear many of you will make it your dream, not because it's truly your passion, but because you want to be just like me. But it's time you all know.

For the last six years I have been intensly training to become a DDR super master. Maybe some of you don't know what DDR is. And to those of you who don't, I pity you. I seriously have nothing but absolute pity for you.

Anywho, DDR is of course Dance Dance Revolution. Now I would think DDR would need no introduction, but in short, it's the most awesome thing ever created. So think of the most awesome thing you can think of and know that it's more awesome than that.

Unfortunately, I recently tore my ACL in an international tournament in Budapest. It was devastating, I coasted to the finals, I thought it was finally my time to take the reigns as the welter weight DDR world champion, but nay friends, fate was against me.

And so from now on, I and The Realm of Torioness are officially at war with fate. God how I hate you fate. I'm also pretty pissed with Folgers, because that whole thing about it being the best part of waking up is pure bullshit.

But I digress.

Some people have been wondering will I get back on the DDR horse after a long road back from recovery. No. I tore my ACL, and that hurts, and it hurts bad. I think im going to instead take up ski ball, it's a much more safe sport. People might tell you to play it safe and not go for the 100 pointers in the corners, but those people are jerks, don't listen to them. Shoot for 100 and talk trash regardless of whether or not you make it. And I mean a lot of trash, and talk it often.

Folgers is Yuban's bitch,

Torio

Peace My Babies

President Bush said in a conference today, "I don't see how you can be a partner in peace when you advocate the destruction of a country on your platform." This was in reference to the Hamas election's of over 77% of Palestinian leaders. It is apparently his fear that Hamas will advocate the destruction of Israel.

Yeesh, where shall I begin?

I suppose starting with the quote would be a little easy and obvious, but I like easy. And it would be easy for many of you to sit here and say, "What a hypocrite Bush is, saying how can a party say they're for peace yet advocate for the destruction of a country when he himself is doing the exact same thing in Iraq." Well, you could chose to interpret that way, if you're a jerk. Or you can read between the lines for the message that is really being construed Bush: "Hey Hamas, if you ever figure out how to be a partner in peace while still getting to blow crap up please text message me on my blackberry immediately on how to do it." See this is just a learning experience for Bush, kind of like the last six years.

You might not have gotten that, but Hamas did.

Let's read between the lines some more shall we. Whenever you hear a politician say something along the lines of "I cannot support the country of *fill in with pretty much and Middle Eastern country* if they are for the disestablishment of Israel." What that really means is that I hope to God you don't stop hating on Israel, because there's still a lot more money to be made in the Middle East.

Now some of you may be wondering just what Hamas is all about. And that I have an easy answer to. Hamas is an acronym that stands for Harakat al-Muqawamah al-Islamiyyah, and I think that name pretty much explains itself.

Stay a While,
Torio

Does Fear Fear itself?

People often ask me, "Torio what are you afraid of? What raises the hairs on the back of your neck?" Now I understand it could be emotionally damaging to those of you that look up to me to know that I am afraid of something, but maybe you can learn something.

Am I afraid of nuclear war, death, spiders, the dark or even failure?

Nay.

Well, I'm kind of scared of spiders. I wouldn't say I fear for my well being when I'm around them but I definitely do that awkward "I'm freaked out that there's a spider on me somewhere" dance/shake when I feel one the back of my neck.

But I'll tell you what I'm really scared of. Public restrooms. Especially, gas station public restrooms. Not because they're dirty, unsanitary and altogether unwelcoming. No I respect that every gas station restroom has that same ambiance that says to me "You really sure you want to do this?" People don't go to gas station bathrooms because they kind of have to urinate. No if you're resulting to using the gas station bathroom, or the GSB as I have come to call it, then you're only doing it because it's become a dire necessity that you do so. But like I said, the fear is not in the uncleanliness, the fear comes from somewhere else. I should mention, that this might not be applicable in the cases of females, for I do not know how the female GSB experience works.

The real fear is during the actual act of the release. When you first enter the bathroom you're not afraid because you could easily make a break for the door should anything go wrong. But once you get going, which is going to be a solid 90 seconder because remember you really had to go, you're making yourself as vulnerable as you can get in the one place you don't want to be messed with. If some truck stop crazy barges in because he had been scoping you and what he calls your "pretty face" out from the diner across the way, you are screwed. If someone tries to mug you under normal circumstances, maybe you have super strength like me and can fight them off. But if you get mugged in the cavernous confines of the GSB while you're pissing, game over. I don't even know what I'd do, and that's what scares me. It would probably end up with me pissing on myself somehow. And this whole thing might sound gross and ridiculous, but next time you're on a road trip and you stop at that lonely chevron station by the freeway you'll get it. You'll start going and that's when the fear kicks in, and you'll want to be done going, but you've still got 7/8 of a full bladder to go so you better just buckle down and pray nobody jumps you, because no matter how hard you try you can't make it go faster. Trust me, I know.

Anywho, I think the department of homeland security should getting working on this. I don't wake up in the morning fearing that I'm going to be bombed by terrorists, but I do wake up everyday praying to God I'm not put into the position of having to use a GSB.

Back in ropo,
Torio