Peace My Babies

President Bush said in a conference today, "I don't see how you can be a partner in peace when you advocate the destruction of a country on your platform." This was in reference to the Hamas election's of over 77% of Palestinian leaders. It is apparently his fear that Hamas will advocate the destruction of Israel.

Yeesh, where shall I begin?

I suppose starting with the quote would be a little easy and obvious, but I like easy. And it would be easy for many of you to sit here and say, "What a hypocrite Bush is, saying how can a party say they're for peace yet advocate for the destruction of a country when he himself is doing the exact same thing in Iraq." Well, you could chose to interpret that way, if you're a jerk. Or you can read between the lines for the message that is really being construed Bush: "Hey Hamas, if you ever figure out how to be a partner in peace while still getting to blow crap up please text message me on my blackberry immediately on how to do it." See this is just a learning experience for Bush, kind of like the last six years.

You might not have gotten that, but Hamas did.

Let's read between the lines some more shall we. Whenever you hear a politician say something along the lines of "I cannot support the country of *fill in with pretty much and Middle Eastern country* if they are for the disestablishment of Israel." What that really means is that I hope to God you don't stop hating on Israel, because there's still a lot more money to be made in the Middle East.

Now some of you may be wondering just what Hamas is all about. And that I have an easy answer to. Hamas is an acronym that stands for Harakat al-Muqawamah al-Islamiyyah, and I think that name pretty much explains itself.

Stay a While,
Torio

Does Fear Fear itself?

People often ask me, "Torio what are you afraid of? What raises the hairs on the back of your neck?" Now I understand it could be emotionally damaging to those of you that look up to me to know that I am afraid of something, but maybe you can learn something.

Am I afraid of nuclear war, death, spiders, the dark or even failure?

Nay.

Well, I'm kind of scared of spiders. I wouldn't say I fear for my well being when I'm around them but I definitely do that awkward "I'm freaked out that there's a spider on me somewhere" dance/shake when I feel one the back of my neck.

But I'll tell you what I'm really scared of. Public restrooms. Especially, gas station public restrooms. Not because they're dirty, unsanitary and altogether unwelcoming. No I respect that every gas station restroom has that same ambiance that says to me "You really sure you want to do this?" People don't go to gas station bathrooms because they kind of have to urinate. No if you're resulting to using the gas station bathroom, or the GSB as I have come to call it, then you're only doing it because it's become a dire necessity that you do so. But like I said, the fear is not in the uncleanliness, the fear comes from somewhere else. I should mention, that this might not be applicable in the cases of females, for I do not know how the female GSB experience works.

The real fear is during the actual act of the release. When you first enter the bathroom you're not afraid because you could easily make a break for the door should anything go wrong. But once you get going, which is going to be a solid 90 seconder because remember you really had to go, you're making yourself as vulnerable as you can get in the one place you don't want to be messed with. If some truck stop crazy barges in because he had been scoping you and what he calls your "pretty face" out from the diner across the way, you are screwed. If someone tries to mug you under normal circumstances, maybe you have super strength like me and can fight them off. But if you get mugged in the cavernous confines of the GSB while you're pissing, game over. I don't even know what I'd do, and that's what scares me. It would probably end up with me pissing on myself somehow. And this whole thing might sound gross and ridiculous, but next time you're on a road trip and you stop at that lonely chevron station by the freeway you'll get it. You'll start going and that's when the fear kicks in, and you'll want to be done going, but you've still got 7/8 of a full bladder to go so you better just buckle down and pray nobody jumps you, because no matter how hard you try you can't make it go faster. Trust me, I know.

Anywho, I think the department of homeland security should getting working on this. I don't wake up in the morning fearing that I'm going to be bombed by terrorists, but I do wake up everyday praying to God I'm not put into the position of having to use a GSB.

Back in ropo,
Torio

Rizgar, You So Rizdiculous

The judge in the Saddam Hussein trial, Rizgar Amin, resigned today because of harsh criticisms by the Iraqi people who think he is being too lenient on Saddam. Apparently he thinks that if the will of the people is that he not be judge of this trial, then he should, in fact, not be the judge of the trial.

Uhh, is someone going to explain to these Iraqis how democracy actually works?

The will of the people is the last thing on the minds of our judges and politicians. You might be thinking, "Oh Torio, you are so cynical, sure our government has it's problems but our democracy still generally works for the best interest of the people." Well you may be right, so let me rephrase my previous statement. The will of the people is in fact what is on the minds of our judges and politicians when they make policy decisions, and when I say the will of the people I mean the will of the rich people that are willing to fund their campaigns and boat trips to Bermuda.

So let me explain to good ole' Rizgar how it works. Once you're elected, or in your case appointed, you no longer have to care about what the people's needs are. In fact, I think it would be best (for the people) if you completely shut yourself off from their whining and pleading. They might think they know what they want, but they don't. And you might think the basis of democracy is that people elect politicians to represent them, but what that really means is that people are electing you(politicians) to decide for the people how they want to be represented. Don't think that's really what the constitution says? who cares you're a judge, interpret it however you want.

Plus you're a judge, you don't even have to cover your tracks in order to get re-elected every so often. That's basically a free pass to fun town. I suggest you start breaking laws like it's your job. For example, I'd start driving everywhere you go in reverse. If someone stops you just be like listen dude I was reading the laws last night and the way I see it you're the one breaking the law, and then flash your judge membership card.

There is one setback however. While you are indeed a judge, you must remember that you're an Iraqi judge, so while everything I said is mostly true in your case, you'll probably want to do whatever George Bush's decision makers tell you to. Because let's face it, you might be a democracy now, but you're our democracy and don't you forget that bitch. I'd still try out the driving everywhere in reverse though, because that would just be cool, and don't you wonder what it'll do to your odometer, I sure do.

Another thing I'd try is sending a letter with 19 2 cent stamps, then when it comes back get all pissed and demand that they make 1 cent stamps cause you don't want to waste another 2 cent stamp when you only need one more cent in stampage. Or maybe they'll just let the letter go through with the 38cents of postage rather then the required 39cents. If that happens, retire because you have nothing more to accomplish.

Do they already make 1 cent stamps?,
Torio

No Take Backs

Following up on my last blog, Pat Robertson apolgized for his remarks that God smote Ariel Sharon. Turns out Israel told Robertson he could no longer be apart of some 50 million dollar heritage center being built in northern Israel. I still have my doubts that a 77 year old fat guy can have a stroke without first pissing off God, but that is not the point here. The point is this, Pat Robertson is an idiot.

Yes it's true I am not a fan of Pat Robertson. Am I not a fan of him because he abuses his power by making uneducated, god-fearing red staters believe that God plays an active role in today's political sphere? Nope, I don't like Pat Robertson because his stupid show is always on ABC Family, when I turn it there expecting to see reruns of Whose Line is it Anyway? Colin Mockery brings the laughs and brings them hard, and it's nice to see that even though he's Canadian he didn't let that stop him.

Another problem with this whole thing I have is this: Who do I need to apologize to get some of that Christian Heritage center action? I don't really know what a Christian Heritage center is (I'm guessing it's like the YMCA) , but I'm willing to throw a couple sorry's around if it means I can cash in on those collection plates. See that last sentence was kind of insensitive, or maybe you feel this whole blog is insensitive. And that's cool with me I'm ready to apologize for it all if it means I get a window office and free access to this heritage center's gym. I really think Pat Robertson and I would get along. So sure I just said I had some problems with the guy, but that's nothing that can't be solved on the heritage center's indoor basketball court. Let's ball up Patty, first to 21 by ones, winner takes out. And we're not calling fouls, balls to the wall no whinning, play like a champion.

Okay, so now it's time for me to put out some fires with all of you loyal readers who look up to me and don't like to see me sell out. It's not my fault that I have to do this, it's yours. Why is it your fault you may be wondering. Well if that's what you're wondering than you just don't get it. What happened to you? While you ponder that I'm gonna go work out to get in shape for pool season. I want to look good for when the pool opens at the heritage center.

Boomshakalaka,
Torio

The Realm of Torioness is currently looking for investors, so let me know if you want to join in on the cashing in of this gold mine.

You Just Got Smoten

Ariel Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel, had a stroke a few days ago and remains gravely ill. Science would have you believe that this stroke was caused by biological reasons or maybe even an unhealthy lifestyle, but Science clearly hasn't been watching ABC Family lately. If it did, maybe it would have caught Pat Robertson's show where he made it very clear that reason for Sharon's stroke was that God was throwing a hissy fit. According to Robertson, God was all pissed about Sharon leaving Gaza, and giving it to the Palestinians in an attempt to promote "peace" in the Middle East, so he smote him.

I know what you're thinking, "The past tense of smite is smote and not smited?" Yeah, crazy huh, I didn't know either.

I guess it makes sense that God would punish Sharon for withdrawing from Gaza. I mean the other day God punished me by making me go to the doctor's office and I didn't even do anything. By the way, I understand that non-pediatric doctor office's shouldn't be obligated to offer its patients stickers and/or lolli pops, but they should at least have a few on hand for when someone requests them. The way I see it, if I'm going to give you some of my life force (blood), I deserve a delicious reward in the form of a hard candy attached to a stick, and there better be a red flavor left because I don't suck on other colors.

Anywho, this smiting thing really opens a plethora of questions that we need to address. For example, can I be smote twice for something I did, or is it once I've been smote for something that's it and both me and God can move on with our lives. Like if I do something wrong and God smites me and I say under my breath, "Eh that wasn't so bad" will he immedeately smite me again with a smite so hard I can't walk for a week, because that's what I would do if someone disrepsected my smiting like that.

Also, what if God accidently smites me for something someone else did? I think if that happens I should be able to have some kind of smiting credit, like I can do one bad thing without being smote. I hope that happens to me because then if someone tries to start crap with me I can say "You better watch it dude cause I could mess you up big and God wont even smite me." At first he wouldn't believe me, but then I'd show him my credit smite and explain what happened and he'd get it, and if he doesn't I guess I'd just sock him in the throat, because whatever man I don't even know you.

Another question I think needs to be raised is that what if God over smites you? Is there some kind of Court of Appeals for that, maybe ran by Thaddaeus the apostle that needs to start lifting his weight. For example let's say that I kick a baby in a fit of joy without realizing, and God goes, "Oh no you didn't Torio" so he smites me by making me pregnant. And then a few months later when I'm in my second trimester I go out to eat, let's say at Togos, with a buddy and I find out that he too kicked a baby and all he got for his smiting was a cavity, I think I should be able to appeal that. I understand that God is against abortion so he couldn't get rid of my baby completely, but maybe he could make him be born with the power to shoot "lasers" out of his eyes. I don't know, the laser eyes is just one idea, me and God could sit down and really talk out what's best.

I also think God should set up some kind of reciept service at least for the really big smitings. Like if I get hit by a car I don't want to have to think, "Hmm I wonder what that was about." It would be better if he just said to me, "That's for looking at your sister in the shower."

Why hasn't Waldo come out with a new book in a while?,
Torio

Witty Blog Title

Well after a holiday hiatus of sorts, I'm back to continue with the saving of the world. And where is a better place to start back up than by talking about what's on all of our minds:

Me.

I'm still quite awesome, and my holiday treated me well so you can stop sending me emails cause I don't have the time to respond to all the fan mail, and when I say I don't have time what I really mean is that I do have time but choose to use that time napping or staring off into nonthingness instead.

Anywho, lets move on and talk about a serious American problem. Something way more serious than war, healthcare, unemployment rates, racism, sexism, religion and all those other boring subjects. The real problem plaguing us Americans is fattiness.

Yes, fattiness. Don't think it's a word, well prove it. By the way the only way you can prove something to me is by having something delicious delivered to me at a time in which I happen to be craving something scrumptious (which happens to be every moment I am not sleeping). By doing this I say to myself, "Man Torio, this dude is serious about whatever he's trying to prove me wrong about, so I mine as well go ahead and concede the fact that he or she is right, henceforth proving me wrong." By doing this, have you proved your point to everyone else? I don't know, but you have proved yourself to me, and that is good enough, for me. It doesn't necessarily mean that the point you're trying to prove has any validity, but I'm willing to sell out, even if it means endorsing some god awful idea that you have. And that my friend is the power of deliciousness.

Now you might not have really understood the last paragraph and may even be considering reading it over again to gain some clarity on the subject, but trust me it's not worth it. Instead, just continue reading, and I promise you by the end of this blog, you'll be done reading. And that's really your main goal when you start reading something, to be done reading it, and so see mission accomplished, everyone's a winner. And then you will all have a feeling of success, which in turn leads to a feeling of fulfillment, which then in turn leads to a feeling of slight anxiety and, but then back to fulfillment, and that indirectly saves the world. So for all you naysayers who think this blog is a mindless rant that doesn't save the world, I bet you feel pretty foolish now.

But I digress, let's get back to what I was talking about earlier, fattiness. Fattiness is the biggest enemy of the American people. You may have thought it was the terrorists, but we can bomb terrorists in a jiffy. Fattiness hides within the American populace, thus making it unbombable (for now). I guess now would be a good time to define fattiness. Ready? Fattiness is the hidden mysterious enemy of the American people that makes us fat. What causes fattiness? Well we don't know yet for sure, we think it might be exercise, but that is just a flimsy conclusion we came to after preliminary tests. For now I'd recommend you stay in doors, eat at an ever increasing rate, and continue to consume more than you produce. Also, just to be on the safe side I'd stay away from any intense games of competitive boggle. Oh and I'm pretty sure watching "The Biggest Loser" and "Celebrity Fit Club" will drastically help.

Doesn't it feel nice to be done?,
Torio

The calendars are done, so let me know if you want one.

Oh and just so you all know, fattiness is a word, so even though I mapped out how you can prove to me that I'm wrong, you'll still be wrong.