Sonoma State Tops Dominican 82-63

You know what is insanely boring? Women's basketball. That is the misconception that many people have. But let me tell you, it's not quite as boring as you may think. It is actually quite mindblowingly exciting, you would know this if you caught tonight's Sonoma-Dominican head turner between two west coast power houses. The Seawolves rode the coat tails of star Chelsey "perpetual motion" Armacost, who put up 146 of Sonoma's 82 points. How is that possible you ask? she is that good.

I'd recap for you what happened during the game, but sometimes when you're watching something as awesome as a girl's basketball game you get too excited and have to do something to get your mind off the game for a bit. And that is exactly what I did. It was 15-5, Sonoma State ladies on top, and then I just started making up this cool story about a cop who was paralyzed on the job but came back as a robot. It was pretty cool until I realized I was just replaying an old episode of RoboCop in my head. RoboCop isn't even that cool.

Then out of nowhere some ridiculously good looking dude in the stands yelled "Rigby Sucks", referring to the awful Sonoma State head coach. Because there were roughly only 6 fans in the stands, everyone heard this criticism. And whether they liked it or not, they had to agree that he indeed was sucking. He is downright terrible, his coaching tactics don't make any sense. Frankly, I don't see how selling marijuana to high school students before games helps the basketball team win games, but I saw him doing it.

Let me also make something else clear. If somebody yells something hurtful about a team's coach and the coach's mom happens to be sitting in front of that heckler, I don't care how old she is, it is fair game. This is not golf. Maybe if she didn't want to have a ridiculously good looking guy ridiculing her son, she shouldn't have raised such a basketball oblivious son. So people better just wise up and get on board the heckle train to laugh town.

The ridiculously good looking guy in the stands,
Torio

Canada's Government Ousted

Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin's government was thrown out today when his rival parties held a no-confidence vote telling him to get the hell out. This came as another reminder to the American people that they still don't care about Canada. It should probably be a big deal when a government that shares a border with your country gets "thrown out", but after hearing the news, my biggest priority was still making sure I catch a re-run of Gilmore Girls on the Fox Family channel.

Apparently, Martin's administration has been plagued by scandals ever since he took office. The Canadians are so funny. Just because a president, or in this case a prime minister, does something that most people would view as "illegal" or even better, "unethical" doesn't mean he should be taken out of office. If it worked like that in America we'd have a new president every week. If it does ever work like that I call being president on July 4th weekend, I bet it's a cool time to be president, a lot of positive energy and delicious BBQ's.

Anywho, maybe Canada not having a government is a good thing. Hold on, don't be so quick to throw that out as a ridiculous statement. Lets take a journey to a governmentless Canada. Okay, so you get there right, and it's very cold. You sit down to a delicious meal of flapjacks and maple syrup, and you get to thinking hey this isn't so bad. But then they turn on hockey and start talking in French. This is when you immediately get in your SUV and go back to America. So see, government or not, Canada is pretty much the same.

You might now be thinking "Then why write a blog about it, if Canada's government being thrown out doesn't matter?"

Good question.

Lets now talk about something else. Christmas lights. I'm a fan.

Also a fan of Advent calendars,
Torio

Lachey's Career Over

Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey officially announced their divorce today leaving quite a few teen aged boys thankful on this Thanksgiving day. This sad day in American culture leaves me wondering yet again, are the terrorists behind this too? To attack the Simpson-Lachey union would be one big blow to American morale, especially since there was no way for us to see this coming. As an avid watcher of "Newlyweds" let me tell you that this came as a huge shock to me, and I could only imagine to the rest of the American populace as well. If a super hot pop singer from a sheltered home ran by an overbearing reverend and a dude I couldn't really describe to you because who cared about him anyway, can't stay happily married with the American people watching a skewed edited rendition of their lives on the Tv, then what exactly are we doing?

It is time we all sit down and do some self reflection. Ask yourself this, "How was I responsible for the Simpson-Lachey breakup?" I think on some level, we all played a part in this tragedy. But mostly, I'd like to bring this back full circle and say it is mostly the terrorists fault. But let me hit you with this terrorists, if you try and mess with Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe, so help me God, I will unleash a fist of fury you can't even imagine. They are so perfect for each other it's ridiculous. If you want to take Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes off our hands however, you are more than welcome.

Fortunately, there is a light at the end of the Simpson-Lachey breakup tunnel. With one celebrity divorce comes another celebrity union. Elton John is finally marrying his long time partner, David Furnish. Yay. On December 21, it will finally be possible for same-sex partners to marry in the country we like to call our bitch, aka England. I dont think I'm gonna fill this space with a social commentary on same sex marriages, but instead I will take this time to talk about one of the most awesome songs ever.

Rocket Man.

What a good song that is. Is it so good because it's musically impressive, lyrically mindblowing, or an altogether piece of musical perfection? Maybe, I'm not a very good critically conscious listener of music, so I couldn't tell you for sure. But I can tell you this about it. It's catchy. To be honest, I don't really know what Sir Elton is trying to say in this song(as goes with most of his songs) but I do know that he's talking about astronaunts, and astronaunts are super cool.

Oh no no no I'm a Rocket Man,
Torio

Lets Open This Up to Some Q & A

Many of you have been emailing me asking for advice with your problems. Generally, I don't give one on one advice, but I figured I'd address some of the questions you've been asking here on the blog so that everyone can see the weird shit you send me.

"... Anyways, I was wondering if you could help me out with something. After reading your post on Gina de Laurentis, it got me wondering about my own personal love life. How exactly can I improve my luck with the ladies?"

First off buddy, it's Giada de Laurentiis, and don't you ever make that mistake again. To answer your question, let me start by saying love is a tricky thing. Sometimes you might go to Bath and Body Works to smell the many delicious fragrances of soap they have to offer, and in doing so think you've found your soulmate in the charismatic sales lady. But, this is rarely the case beause even though you might think you're connecting on a deep level over a bottle of cucumber-melon hand cream, the next minute she's putting a restraining order on you. Personally I think if a girl says let's hang out sometime, that can mean wait for me to get off work then follow me home, I guess I'm old fashion though. Getting back to your particular problem of gaining more luck with the ladies, I dunno dude, try losing some weight.

"Why don't you put more pictures on the blog?"

Because that wouldn't be very fair to our blind readers now would it you insensitive prick.

"This is kind of a complicated question, but here goes. The other day when I was leaving for work my wife said to me 'Have a nice day, I know I will.' At first I didn't think anything of it, but then at lunch I was talking to a co-worker/buddy of mine who reminded me that his wife had referred a guy to do redo our bathroom and today was the day he was coming. So I got back to thinking of that comment she made, 'I know I will.' What does that mean? Do you think my wife is fooling around with the bathroom guy, or maybe does she just have a real passion for bathroom renovation? Well that night when I got home the bathroom had already anything done to it, and she said that the guy had been there for six hours. At first I didn't say anything cause I was eating dinner, but she just kept talking about this guy. So I brought it up and we argued for a while, but then Whose line is it anyway? came on and I completely forgot my wife even existed. Should I bring it back up?"

No idea.

"Torio, do you do private parties?"

Yes, but no nudity, and I charge a lot. And I'm not talking currency either, for legal reasons I cannot refer to what exactly it is I charge, but get in touch with my booking agent Alf and we can try to work something out.

"I have trouble staying updated and interested in current events and politics. I genuinely want to be an educated, well-to-do citizen, but how can I find both the motivation and time to do so?"

Nice try you terrorist.

Here are some answers to some of your other questions:
Ceaser Salad
6
Buffalo Bills
Half cheese, half pepperoni
Hens can't lay eggs
Not you, but maybe your sister

Being cool about fire safety,
Torio

Lets Ditch This Party

Okay so with all the talk of whether or not George Bush should set up a timetable for the withdrawl of US forces in Iraq, you've probably been avoiding taking a stance on the subject because you want to wait and make sure yours is the same as mine. Well here it is. Now that pretty much every politician and other talking head has spouted off on why it's a good or bad idea, I am here to put them in their place. Should Bush set up a timetable for troop withdrawl? Yes. A really good one, preferably made on excel with colored columns and written in Wingdings so the terroists can't understand it.

Now I can sit here and explain to you why we should set up a timetable, in which case you anti-war readers will say yes Torio you sure are wise, and then you pro-war people will hit me with some Rumsfeldian "America will implode the day we leave Iraq" ramble-bamble. So instead, I'm taking a less talk more rock approach. I've cut right past the political jarble and have constructed one killer timetable on how we are to leave Iraq. I think once you take a gander at this bad boy you'll understand why the timetable is a good idea.

Bush's timeline for troop withdrawl:

11/21/2005
Construct 80,000 cardboard cutouts of US Soldiers.

11/22/2005
Play Crash Bandicoot while the cutouts are in production.

11/23/2005
Date with Condi.

11/24/2005
Strategically place the cutouts around Iraq, consider drawing angry eyebrows on them to make them look intimidating. Also, eat some turkey.

11/25/2005
Be strong, don’t call Condi yet.

11/26/2005
Call Condi, invite her to the John Mayer concert, be cool.

11/27/2005
Withdraw 1,000 troops.

11/28/2005
Take a half day.

11/29/2005
Withdraw another 1,000 troops.

11/30/2005
Try to get 3 levels further on Crash Bandicoot. If there’s time, withdraw the other 158,000 troops.

12/1/2005
Make sure all troops have returned to America. Drop Donald Rumsfeld off in Iraq. This is for his safety, because he has been very adamant about the fact that America will fall apart if the American troops are actually in America.

And so you see, if we treat it very carefully and follow this strong model for troop withdrawl, we can have the troops home by December. Sometimes I don't understand why I'm the only one who thinks of these things, but I guess that's just how it goes when you are the raddest dude on the planet.

Some of you might not be able to make sense of this timetable or how exactly it will lead to peace in both Iraq and the United States. Well that is because you have smaller brains than us, the rich elite. But I'm here to tell you that although it is difficult for you to reach the extreme brain capacity that I and my contemporaries hold, it is possible. If you work hard, get paid less than you deserve, buy a lot of name brand clothing, purchase an H2, listen to pop music, and keep your mouth shut you have a shot. Unitl then, start coming to terms with the fact that we are exploiting you and just hope that one day you, the exploitee, can become the exploiter. Also, reading this blog will help you climb the social ladder, reading books wont.

Big fan of Hammocks,
Torio

This Might Get a Little Awkward

Guess who got hot? If you guessed Hermione Granger, played by Emma Watson in the Harry Potter movies, you nailed it. Although I have not seen the 4th Harry Potter movie, Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire, I have seen Miss Watson on a magazine cover while waiting in line to purchase my delicious treats at the supermarket. And it seems as though she successfully avoided that awkward stage so many young ladies hit around this time of their lives. You might be wondering exactly what stage of her life she's in, well she's in the stage where she finally gets a blog written about her on TRoT, aka super stardom stage.

Unfortunately, she is also at the stage in her life where she's only 16 years old. You might be feeling a little weird about the fact that we have been discussing a 16 year old lady, but let me make something clear before you write me off as insane. In two years, she'll be 18 and I will only be 21, so that is totally socially acceptable. So listen Emma, as long as you still have that cool British accent go ahead and give me a call in a couple of years. Also, if you want to increase your chances at any long term relationship, you should proably start honing your cooking and laundry skills now.

Anywho, that won't be for another couple years, so lets move on. Lets talk about something both more important and interesting than Harry Potter and its cast. Me. I am awesome.

Okay, I am glad we cleared that up.

Tired,
Torio

I Thought We Were Friends

It seems like most people either love or hate shopping. Personally though, I have no big beef with it. Some people talk about shopping malls like they are hubs for capitalist greed and big business hate mongers. They are pretty much right. But, at least you know this about malls going in and that's why they don't bug me. Me and the megamall by my house have an agreement. An agreement we came to a while back, I promised to stop running around Charlotte Russe naked if he didn't trick me with his maze like antics that always left me getting lost in the mall for 3 to 4 days at a time. Ever since, I've been okay with malls, mostly cause I don't go in them anymore.

But something about them has really begun to piss me off a lot lately. The dudes at the cellphone kiosks. They seem like such awesome guys, or ladies. They look just like those cool kids in highschool (probably cause they are) with their cool hair, popular shoes, and of course their technologically savvy celular phones. And they always get me.

I will be walking along with my Orange Julius, Cinnabon or whatever delicious food court treat that caught my fancy that day until whammy, "Hey you look like a cool dude, would you like a better cell phone plan?"

I look at him.

Absafuckinglutley, I'd like a better cell phone plan. Because I like my cell phone a lot and if you can somehow make it better, like you say, bring it. But this is where things take a turn for the worst. You might think super cool cell phone kiosk dude with goatee and earing is trying to help you, but boy are you way off. I went to the mall last week, and 4 new cell phone contracts later my cell phone experience is no better.

So you know what Trent, super cool Verizon man, you're a jerk. You told me that a 6 year Verizon contract would help both my love life and that rash I have, and nothing has changed. In fact, the rash has gotten a lot worse, and you should probably look into seeing a doctor because if I remember right, we shook hands.

Anywho, my proposition is that we get rid of all of the kiosks in the middle of the mallways and replace them with full size bowling lanes. I think this will help a lot because with all the anxiety shopping in a crowded mall brings to guys, knocking some pins down would really help. In fact, I can't think of anything that would make me want to spend my money on trivial unnecessary items more than when I pick up a spare.

Also, yesterday was the one month anniversary of The Realm of Torioness. Not one of you bothered to take me out or even give me a call. I'm not going to lie and say this doesn't hurt. But I have never based this relationship of ours on a what do I do for you, what do you do for me basis, so I will not hold a grudge. Instead I will simply ask that you all send a $20 apology fee to 1721 E. Cotati Ave. #2721 Rohnert Park, CA 94928.

Holding it together for now,
Torio

Saddam Gets Punched

Saddam Hussein was being questioned for his trial when he insulted two Shia saints. Apparently this is not cool in Iraq, because it lead to two court clerks punching him several times. So awesome. I always knew there was something wrong with our judicial system, but could never quite put my finger on it, this is it. We need to punch more people. I mean okay so Saddam crushed the Shia rebellion in southern Iraq, no biggie we'll just simply have the court system deal with that. But, open your big mouth during court preceedings, and bam you're gonna get punched bitch.

Could you imagine if this happened more often in American courts? I wouldn't mind seeing Judge Judy getting roughed up a bit. Let me paint the picture for you: she's off one of her tirades about how some guy shouldn't have lit her girlfriend's couch on fire even if it was in his house, and then whamo her big black baliff just pops her one right in the teeth. This is just one example of how a good punch from time to time can really fix our broken judicial system.

It should be noted that while there are very few times in which punching in the court room is not the right answer, there are a couple. One is never punch the court reporter, it affects her typing, and two never punch me, I don't like it.

In an unrelated story, I was playing raquetball with Karl Rove the other day and it turns out the following people are CIA agents:

• Andy Ferrette
• Peter LaFleur
• every Tom you know
• Rosario Dawson
• Gumby
• George Costanza

Recognizing that I was sexist somewhere in this post,
Torio

Bush Tells China to Grant More Freedoms

Listen George, if you want to pick on Iraq or whatever other small country that has oil, fine. But, I don't care how badass you think you are, you don't bully around China. This spread of democracy campaign that you have used to be the cover of whatever your real foreign policy agenda is needs to stop at the borders of countries that have over a billion people and nuclear weapon capabilities.

Some of you might be asking, "But Torio, are you not an advocate of individual freedoms and democracy?"

Yes, I am, I very much so am. But lets play to Bush's strengths, not his weaknesses. If bombing, manhandling, conquering, or de-gayifying were the course of actions we wanted to take with China, Bush would be the man. However, China is a country with an enormous populace, military and to be quite honest, it looks as though their economy is headed in a better direction than ours at this point. We might be the most powerful nation, but we're not nearly as intense as these people, they know jiu-jitsu. Plus they have a really large wall, and I don't know about you but I have difficulty scaling walls. Probably cause I don't know jiu-jitsu or kung-fu. You might think what's the big deal if Bush just pressures them a bit to instill more personal freedoms on their people. Well, this is the big deal. Bush is one stubborn dude, something like this may go down:

Bush: "Let your people have more individual freedoms."
Head China Dude: "Nah, we're good."
Bush: "Come on man."
Head China Dude: "No seriously, we are fine. Now do you want chow-mein or fried rice?"
Bush: "Fried rice."
Head China Dude: "Good choice."
Bush: "So wait, you are going to give your people more freedom, or no?"
Head China Dude: "No."
Bush: "Ah screw this, bomb them."

And there you have it, full fledged war with the biggest military on Earth all because we let Bush open his audacious mouth in China. Hopefully David Carradine is available to fight, cause that guy is really our only chance on the kung-fu front... I saw Kung-fu, he was awesome. Another fear of Bush going to China, is that if he sees that wall they think is so great, he'll probably want to build an even greater wall, and I just don't have the time for that.

Big fan of the Orange Chicken,
Torio

Bring it Bill

An excerpt from "The Radio Factor with Bill O'Reilly" on November 8th:

"If Al Qaeda comes in here and blows you up, we're not going to do anything about it. We're going to say, look, every other place in America is off limits to you, except San Francisco. You want to blow up the Coit Tower? Go ahead." This was directed to the city of San Francisco regarding a measure passed by the city banning military recruiting on high school campuses.

Bill O'Reilly you are an idiot. I have spent the last two weekends in San Francisco and let me hit you with some knowledge. There is no reason the terrorists would want to blow up the Coit Tower. It's just a stupid museum shaped like a fire fighting hose. What I'm afraid of them hitting is Boudin's soup house located on Fisherman's Wharf. That place is delicious. Personally, I have my reservations with the war in Iraq, but if somebody fucks with my bread bowls of chowder, I have every intention of bringing every man, responsible or not, to justice. Some of you might be thinking that I'm just being dramatic, but you'd be a jerk to think that. Yeah, you've had bread before, you've probably even had clam chowder, but you haven't had this particular combination of the two. (unless you have, in which case you can stop reading cause you know exactly what I'm talking about) Picture this, you're sitting down with some friends waiting for what you ordered, and then the waiter/waitress places in front of you the most delicious perishable known to man. Ok that, plus better.

Sometimes you spend an hour waiting for the "F" train to get to Boudin's only to get there and find out that the bread bowls are sold out. It's very important that in this situation you be sure to handle yourself accordingly. Some people might blow up into a fit of uncontrollable rage without regard for the people or things or around them. These people are wise to do so. If Boudin's is out of bread bowls, one of two things has happened. 1. Somebody is really stupid, cause it's pretty easy to make bread, even bread as delicious as this. or 2. The terrorsits are behind it, and my worst nightmare has come true.

So you know what Bill O'Reilly, I despise everything about you, down to the core of your ethos . If you are just going to let Al Qaeda or anyone else just destroy Boudin's soup house without any punishment, you are truly a soulless jerkface, and I'm calling you out. The Realm of Torioness vs. The O'Reilly Factor. Bring it.

Permanently cutting O'Reilly's mic,
Torio

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7th Heaven Cancelled

Well it looks as though the terrorists have finally won. The long running family drama, 7th Heaven, was cancelled yesterday after ten seasons. Truly a sad day for America. How will American parents know how to raise their kids in a traditional and god-fearing manner? I guess they will have to read this blog to obtain their parenting advice, as Reverend Camden will be abandoning the American people for good following this season. And so begins the first installment of Parenting, Torioness style:

Okay, so here's the hitch. Say your daughter tells you that she's going to Island's restaurant for a delicious meal with her friends, but then calls you and says that they're going to go to Panda Express instead. You tell that bitch to get home immedeately, cause a meal at Panda Express is about half the price of a meal at Island's and she is clearly intending to spend that extra money on drugs.

So say your son finds out you have a drinking and hooker problem? Sit him down and explain to him, in a sooting parental voice, that if he ever bring this up that you will break his face. Just to be sure this conversation stays fresh in his mind, put a note on his door that says "Do you like your face?" every so often. Be sure to put the note in the door with a knife to send a strong, yet loving, parental message.

In the event your son or daughter has a party at your house, pretend that you're cool with it at first. Let everyone there drink all of the alcohol that they illegaly obtained, and then tell them that you're taking them to Denny's for a late night meal. Instead, however, drive them to the darkest most abandoned field you can find and let them out. Make them each spin around in circes for 5minutes, then yell "Race to home, go." Then get in your car and leave them there, if you do this right you should have 3 or 4 days off from parenting. It's also a good idea to call up all of your kids friend's parents, yelling at them cause you can't find your kid. This will help if you have to go to court later.

If your son or daughter gets pregnant, driving them out to an abandoned field also works here as well.

Blaming Alfred Hitchcock for the bird flu,
Torio

Terrorist Attacks in Jordan

Don't think I can make fun of terrorist attacks? maybe cause they are too touchy a subject in this post 911 America? Boy are you wrong. Yesterday, terrorists bombed hotels in Amman, the capital of Jordan. The attacks have been claimed by the Iraq based Al Qaeda network. So far there are fifty-six people confirmed dead, one of which was an American. Now using my special math formula, I have calculated how many deaths that America will actually care about:

(number of non-American deaths) X zero + (number of American deaths)

now lets plug in the 55 non-American deaths and the 1 American death:
55 multiplied by 0 + 1 = 1 death that we care about

Okay, so now you may be saying "Come on now Torio, that's insensitive. Of course I'm upset about each death in Jordan." But you're more likely saying "What makes you think I give a shit about the one American, I didn't know him."

Well maybe you care about all 56 "equally", and maybe there's really only one person you truly care about... Torio. But one American died, so lets see where that falls on the Reaction to American Deaths Overseas Chart:

1-20: Bomb them
20-100: Bomb them
101-1,000: Bomb them
1,001-10,000: Bomb them
10,001-100,000: Really lay it on thick
100,000+: Panic

So there you have it, we are going to go to war with Iraq to bring justice to Al Qaeda. It's about time they got theirs.

Whew,
Torio

Democrats Win!

What exactly did the democrats win in the 2005 elections held today? Well, I don't really know, but the democrats are trying to play it off like they just gave a licking to the republican party. I don't even think the democratic spin masters can sell this one to me. The democrats maintained their control of the governorships in Virginia and New Jersey, as well as made Arnold Schwarzenegger look like an idiot (for those who didn't feel "Jingle All the Way" was enough.) In California alone, over 50 million dollars was spent on this special election that accomplished nothing more than affirming Californian's right to say "yeah fucking right". Of the eight propositions proposed in California, a total of zero were passed. Now I am all about having elections, in fact sometimes when I get lonely at night I hold elections of my own regarding personal matters. For example, the other night when it was raining, I held an election on who was cooler: the Flash or the Green Lantern. The Green Lantern won. But this election did not come without controversy. I think it's so immature that people are still throwing the race card around, the Green Lantern is simply cooler than the Flash, it has nothing to do with the fact that he's a minority. The election results are currently under investigation, and I will not be more happy when it's over - having Jimmy Carter in your room all day gets old quickly, the man sleeps with a night light, as if his normal old man oddities weren't bad enough.

Anywho, the democrats intend to use today's election results as a momentum gainer going into the more important 2006 election. You are most likely wondering one of two things at this point: 1. Just how important are the 2006 elections going to be? or 2. If the Green Lantern is cooler than the Flash, then where does Gambit fall into the mix?
1. Not very, I still won't be able to run for president in '06. No friends, you'll have to wait until 2024 before that dream of yours can come true. (You must be 35 years of age to run for president of the United States) I know, it's rough, but I don't make the rules, I simply use them as my excuse for taking the next 19 years off.
2. Cooler than the Flash but not quite as cool as the Green Lantern.

Getting back to the election. Many people believe that our voting system is flawed, and I agree. Some argue in favor of run off voting or some form of a weighted voting system. Both are reasonable options, that should be further explored, however I have an alternative of my own. How about a voting system where both the republican and democratic candidate can lose(3rd party candidates too). I think when it comes down to it, most Americans go into their election booths thinking "Man these dudes are both jackasses, where is the box for No way?" I'm not really sure of the logistics of this, but if it does work I think it should be immedeately incorporated into Major League Baseball, because if ever the San Francisco Giants and Los Angeles Dodgers ever play against each other and both teams lose, I will be so happy I may very well devout my life to the serving of others. And so see, in some indirect way this will make the world better. So how bout it congress?

Trust me,
Torio

Australian Police Prevent Terrorist Attack

I think it is great that the Australians detained potential terrorists in Sydney and Melbourne on Monday. Australia is going too far terrorists. You can hate America, cause lets face it, we can be jerks at times. But Australians? the land down under is off limits dude. I haven't actually been to Australia, but I did see an Olsen twin movie once where they went to Australia, and based on that I think I can fairly say Australia is pretty neato. So stop.

Well now that I have solved Australia's terror problems, let me focus on a much more important problem. Many of you have been emailing me about the grammatical style in my blogs, someone even went as far to say that my writing style is "grossly off base with today's literary standards." Well you know what dude, you are way off base with what the Realm of Torioness is truly about, and that makes me sad. Well it doesn't really, cause I am incapable of sadness, but if I was capable of feeling the emotion of sadness, I'd probably start off with feeling sad for you. Getting back though to the topic of my gramatical style, I really don't see the problem with it. I use periods, I capitalize appropriate letters, and I'd have to say at least 98% of my words are spelled correctly. So why all the complaining? Seriously, no joke here, why are so many of you taking time out of your day to actually write me an e-mail about my grammar? Well, I pondered this question today as I sat down to a game of "Don't Break the Ice" with my buddies. And I came to the conclusion that some of you just don't understand how to use your down time properly. Reading this blog is a good start, but clearly you have way more down time that I thought. But fear not, I am here to help. From now on, instead of emailing me with your complaints, consider doing one of the following:

1. E-mail me some love mail. Feel free to copy and paste this: Torio, I love you.
2. Play a game of "Don't Break the Ice", remember to disregard the Ages 3 to 6 reccommendation.
3. Bake something delicious.
4. Mail your delicious baked goods to: 1721 East Cotati Ave. #2721 Rohnert Park, CA 94928
5. Start up a conversation with a stranger. Suavely drop into the conversation that you know me personally (regardless of wether you actually do or not). If they sound skeptical, drop that I am a big fan of that hair styling show on Bravo. They'll probably be pretty surprised and that should be a good talking point. (After you befriend him or her, be sure to clarify that I do not actually like that awful hair styling show)
6. Dial random numbers on your phone and tell people about this blog. If they are rude or hang up, call them 20-25 more times, screeching extrememly loudly when they answer. If they stop picking up, leave the screeching noises on their answering macine. If while dialing you get a hold of a guy named Doug Roytundra, write that number down and send it to me. Him and I have some beef to settle, but his number is unlisted.

If you do all that and you still don't have anything to do, go ahead and continue to send your mindless emails about grammar and other equally super exciting topics.

Scared of Danny Bonaduce,
Torio

Riots in France Escalate

As a country, we are very quick to hate and make fun of the French whenever we get the chance. So when I saw that France was having riots, I thought to myself, why I am reading about France? Turns out the cops killed two black teenagers which has caused major riots in much of southern and eastern France, as well as Paris. Sound familiar? Are we Americans really so different from the French? Well, probably. But it's good to know that we both share two of our timeless traditions. Racist police brutality and some good ol' rioting. So why not put our differences behind us and just say, "Hey France, see you're doing some rioting, can we get in on that?" Now France might think he has a big decision to make, on whether or not he should let us riot, but France is nieve in thinking this. When America wants to riot, we riot. And frankly, I don't think we've been doing enough of it lately, too busy fighting wars I guess.

I remember my first riot like it was yesterday. It was summer of 93' and it was a beautiful day for a riot. My dad and I had spent an hour the night before putting nails into the end of a wooden rod that I was going to use as my weapon. Then early in the morning, he took me down to city hall for what went down as one super duper riot. Oh, how young I was. I just ran with my arms flailing, wooden rod of nails in one hand, tin foil shield in the other. I don't remember exactly what we were rioting about, but does that actually matter anyway? I remember I got hosed by one of those really powerful hoses, man was that a rush. Much powerful than I thought, but the tear gas wasn't nearly as intense as I was told.

Anywho, I don't really get involved with riots anymore. Getting back to the French riots, I really have to say, I like what they're doing. You don't often see a multi-city riot that gets taken out all over the country. That takes an impressive amount of anger and organizational skills. So lets take a look at my new list of things French that I like:
1. French Toast
2. Eva Green
3. French Riots

Good list.

I also like baguettes,
Torio

Bush Goes to Hemisphere Talks

You know who hates George Bush a lot? carnies. But also, Hugo Chavez. Which makes Bush's trip to the Hemisphere Talks, to speak with Latin American leaders including Chavez, an interesting one. I know what you're thinking. "Latin America? They're still around?" Oddly, yes they are still located south of us, and from what I've been reading they still think that they aren't our bitch. So cute they are. But boy are they in for a rude awakening. I, the raddest journalist you know, have gotten my hands on some mindblowing evidence that shows Bush is indeed going to go to war with Latin America. This is an actual note sheet made by Bush just a month before he took office in 2001. First I'd like to just notify everyone that I have already arranged for Captain Crunch to be put into a safe house, as I too was horrified to see his name on the list. As you can see, Afhganistan and Iraq(spelling mistakes aside) were the first to be targeted by Bush, and for those of you who don't keep up with current events, they've already gone down (hence why they've been crossed out). Now, Latin America seemed to be far enough down on the list that it could avoid a war with the Bush administration if it just held out long enough. Kind of when you were in high school and you just sat there watching the clock, hoping the bell would ring before you got called to do your presentation. But then Hugo Chavez had to open his Venezuelan, Bush hating mouth. And whammy, as you see in the note sheet the arrow has moved them from 6th to 3rd aka NEXT. The many anti-American rallies, including one in which Chavez will speak at, being held in Argentina this weekend will only be further asking for Bush to kick their ass. And if the Super Sword of Power (located on the right side of the above note sheet) is ready for action, I wouldn't give them much of a chance.

Now some of you might not have the burning hatred for Latin America like you do for the Middle East. But you must remember, only recently was Latin America moved up to third on the list. So give the Bush administration and the elite-owned media some time to drive home the fact that you do indeed "justifably" hate Latin America. Plus Venezuela has oil, and unless we get mass amounts of oil soon, "The OC" and "CSI" will be cancelled.

There is some good news for Latin America however. Bush wont go to war with you while he's still in the region, so be sure to live it up this weekend.

Maintaining my full allegiance to Captain Crunch,
Torio

Senate Goes Into Closed Session

I was watching CSPAN yesterday, and something mildly noteworthy happened. This guy, Harry Reid the minority leader of the senate, envoked rule 21 on the senate floor. Then something really sweet happened. Richard Durbin, a different senatior said "I second the motion." Wow, awesome. Rule 21 is one badass rule to be throwing around. I remember one time last year during a class I used rule 21. Let's take a ride back shall we.

It was 2nd semester, and I made one of my many mindblowingly insightful comments during and afternoon class on what I'd describe as a nice day weather wise. To which some bitch said "I disagree." Oh no you didn't I thought as I sat up in my chair. Rule 21 I yelled, which was immedeately followed by the guy next to me saying "I second the motion." What happened after that was a blur of illegal drug use and unprotected sex, and I don't remember much of it, but what I do remember was insane.

Good times.

But let me take this moment to talk about the serious side of rule 21. You might think it's all fun and games, declaring a closed door session of sorts to "figure things out". But what might start out as just some innoncent experimenting can easily turn into you to waking up on the wrong side of the Canadian border with nothing but one sock and a headache. If this does happen however, might I reccommend hitting up Ranger Rob's Cabin for some scrumptious flapjacks, a pair of flannels, and a shoulder to cry on.

Yes, even in all its glory, rule 21 has its darkside. And his name is Trent, the kid I have been paying child support for since last September. I'm not saying don't take part in rule 21, that would be both ridiculous and nieve, what I'm saying is be safe and wear protection. Also as a general warning, if you're going into your first rule 21, consider using the buddy system method. Because although you might think getting the Superman logo tattoed on your chest is a good idea, maybe your friend can talk you out of it. And if not, you guys can hang out together when you go to the beach and pool, so people just think it's the cool new thing to do.

Walking out on Nov. 2nd,
Torio

Bush Nominates Alito for Supreme Court Justice

So George Bush nominated Judge Samuel Alito to be the next Supreme Court Justice. Many people are accusing him of being too conservative. Not me though. No friends, I am here to tell you that Alito sucks for a completely different reason. This guy sucks because I don't know anything about him, and frankly I don't feel like reading up on another judge again. No, I think it's time for one of my cronies to end up on the supreme court. So I am going to go ahead and nominate a canidate of my own. Don't think I can do that? Read on.

I, Torio, officially declare Paul "the dude who lives down the hall from me with the cool goatee" as my nominee for Supreme Court Justice of the United States of America. Hold on, don't be so quick to write Paul off, let me explain first. Okay one, he's a neat guy. Also, he has a really cool goatee, I wish I could grow a goatee like that. He looks good in a robe. He can read. He doesn't kill people. He does what I tell him to.

It should be known that for halloween Paul went as Captain America. Coincidence? No way. It was a sign that Paul is prepared to lead(or captain, if you will) America in the judicial branch of government. Also unlike many previous canidates, Paul does not beat around the bush, he ponders a case and then he takes a firm stance on it. Here is how he stands on many of the current controversial issues:

Roe v. Wade: Paul is all about this case. In fact he wont shutup about it. The other day I went over to his place to see if his hot cousin was there and he was talking about it the entire time I was there. She wasn't there though, she had class, which I actually should have known cause we had talked about it before - she's taking the same sociology class I took last semester and we had discussed it a couple times before. Anyways, Paul was all worked up about Roe v. Wade. I wasn't really listenting to what he was saying so I can't tell you exactly what his stance is, but I can promise you he has a stance and it's a firm one.

Gay Marriage: Paul is all about gay marriage. We were watching the news one day(cause that's how we love to spend our sunday afternoons) and they were talking about gay marriage, and Paul kept talking about it, even during that cool caveman commerical I like. Anyways, Paul believes that gay people should be allowed to marry, but only if they agree to spend eternity burning in hell for their sins. Seems a bit harsh to me, but on the other hand it seems like a decent trade off.

Brown v. Board of Education: Paul believes that all children should get equal educational opportunities in public schools, regardless of their race. He does not care what kind of political criticism this brings him, Paul believes education is a good thing and that kids should receive it. It's these kind of ballsy decisions that make Paul awesome.

Families: Paul likes the ideas of families, and does not intend to outlaw them.

The People of California v. Torio: Paul believes that it's completely bogus that I was arrested for urinating in public. If someone chooses to urinate in between two cars, Paul feels that as long as one of the cars belongs to you or your friend then that area should temporarily become or own personal property, hence allowing you to urinate in it, but only if it's night time and you're very loud about it. Personally, I think I had it coming, but who am I to argue with Paul?

I think that pretty much sums up why Paul should be our next Supreme Court Justice. But let me end with telling you that Paul watches "Judging Amy" avidly, so if you're going to try to say that he doesn't have any judging experience, you are dead wrong. So please, I urge you to just keep your mouths shut and let the confirmation of Paul go smoothly, if not for me than for all the kids in the world with terminal diseases.

Remembering to take my multi-vitamins,
Torio