Yay, Halloween

It's Halloween, so lets talk about something important. Giada de Laurentiis. "Who?" you ask. Well she's better known as the hot chick on the food network. And lets just settle something here for all you naysayers, she is smoking hot, end-o-story. Now many people might be saying, okay she's hot, but who cares, so are 90% of the other ladies on the Tv. True. However, can the Jennifer Aniston's and Eva Longoria's cook you a delicious breakfast in the morning? Can they make you a snack whose name you can't even pronounce and do it day in and day out without complaining? Well I don't know Eva and Jenny so I can't tell you for sure. But I have studied both of them in detail in the hit shows "Friends" and "Desperate Housewives" plus the many tabloids I read religiously. And I'm pretty sure they cannot. Which brings us back full circle to good ol' Giada. What I need is a lady who cannot only cook me dinner, but also explain to me how she is cooking it as though I am actually one day going to cook it myself. I then want to eat the delicious treats and then immedeately forget everything I knew about how it was made. Giada and I will then have good times playing gloriously long games of Guess Who? and Hungry Hungry Hippos until my stomache says to me, "Yo, Torio get the woman to make us something."

Giada and I will both look at my stomache. Then we will make eye contact. Then we will chukle.

"Oh stomache, you so crazy," we will say.

Giada and I will then go back into the kitchen where she will again dazzle me with her cooking splendor. I will still be absolutely tantilized with whatever she makes, but a little disappointed that I have to actually wait the 20 minutes for the lasagna to cook, thinking she should have prepared one for immedeate serving like she does in her shows. Then she'll make some wise ass comment like, "Real life is a lot different from Tv."

What a bitch. I mean it was bad enough when you cheated at Guess Who (I asked if your person had red hair when you had Bernard and you tried to pull some bullshit that his hair was orange. Are you kidding me? Who the hell has orange hair?) But lets not focus on the past, even though I clearly would have won. No, lets talk about how things just aren't going to work out. I mean we had a good run Giada, but I think this is where we part ways. So go ahead and finish that zuchinni dish you're making and then show yourself out. Keep in touch though. Best of luck with everything, I hear you have a new show coming out. Looks like a bomb if you ask me, but hey I thought Xena Warrior Princess was awesome, so what do I know? You're no Lucy Lawless though. I guess that was uncalled for, but lets face Lucy would kick your ass. Anywho, I'm not very good at this so I'm just going to go nap upstairs for a while. Be well.

Hmm, I'm glad I played that relationship out here on the blog rather than actually going through with it, cause it didn't seem that great. Just between us, I don't think I'm going to be very successful in the whole realtionship thing until I get over Xena. God I miss you Xena.

Wondering what I just wrote,
Torio

Quitters

Harriet Miers and Lewis Libby quit. What pussies. But what tickles my curiosity over the whole situation is this: Do they not understand just exactly what being a Bush cronie is about? or Is part of being a Bush cronie quitting when you start to get Bush bad publicity?

Lets explore a few possibilities, shall we.

Are Miers and Libby spineless cowards who don't understand the Bush cronie formula?
Miers - No, and here is why. The reason Harriet Miers was so underqualified is because she is actually the Crypt Keeper from the American Favorite "Tales of the Crypt." And don't even try to say the Crypt Keeper is a spineless coward, cause you will be opening a pandora's box of pain if you do. Okay, now bear with me on this, but doesn't Harriet Miers look a little too similar to the Crypt Keeper. I mean give that guy a nose and a little work with the hair and whamo, you have yourself Harriet Miers. You might say "Why would having the Crypt Keeper on the supreme court be worth all the work?" Well I know a lot of things, but I'm not even going to start and try to explain to you why George Bush pulls some of the things he does. But two reasons Bush might have tried this may be: 1. Because he liked the show. 2. Because the Crypt Keeper is a good guy to have on your side. I mean he keeps the crypt, enough said. Good effort though George, might I reccommend trying to get Bazooka Joe elected to the supreme court next. He seems like he would have a lot to offer, plus he already has his own cronies, so I bet he just "gets it".
Libby - Yeah, he's a spineless coward. His nickname is Scooter, and he doesn't resemble any cool Tv or comic characters.

Is part of being a Bush cronie, quitting when you start to get Bush bad publicity?
Well that depends, it's not like Bush has gone this far relying on a good public image. And people like Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney and good ol' Condi Rice aren't exactly good publicity generators. No, a Bush cronie doesn't need to avoid bad publicity, he or she just needs to know how to deal with it. And by deal with it I mean say to the general public "Shut the fuck up, this is in the best interest of you and the country." For example, when Libby got indicited he panicked, and said something like he's confident that he will be exonerated of all charges. Big mistake. You're a Bush cronie dude, act like it. He should have said, "Yeah, I leaked that CIA bitch's name, what of it? She was clearly working for Al Qaeda." Proving that she was working for Al Qaeda wouldn't even be necessary, you and the Bush administration would just "stay the course" until people stopped caring. That's cronism at its finest.

Well I think we covered a lot here, and I don't think I'm alone when I say that I hope the Crypt Keeper gets back on his horse cause he's been out of the spotlight for too long.

Not quitting yet,
Torio

Libby Indicted by Grand Jury

So Lewis Libby, chief of staff to Dick Cheney, was indicted on charges of perjury and obstruction of justice today. Bummer dude. Maybe if your name was Karl Rove you would have either avoided indictment, or have a chance of fighting this thing. But your name is Lewis Libby, a sacrifical lamb of the republican party, so you are down right fucked.

A similar thing happened to me in grade school, which has since been remembered as the Great Tetherball Incident of '93. This kid, whose name was incidentally Lewis(although I think he may have spelled it Louis), thought he could dethrone me as tetherball champion of the schoolyard. This kid had the audacity to show up to my tetherball court with parachute pants and an attitude you would not believe. What a real dick this kid was. Anyways, after an intense match of tethering, Lewis beat me, and I was devastated. However, light at the end of the tunnel friends. Lewis was indicted for perjury and obstruction of justice years later in middle school and I was given back my title of Tether ball king. I have since sold this title on ebay for like $14 or something like that. Last I heard Lewis was still in prison up in Folsom and I could not be more pleased about it.

Moral of the story: I don't know, but now I'm really missing tether ball. It's such a beautiful game, two opponents compete so gracefully on the grand stage tether ball has to offer. In many ways tether ball is a metaphor for life. Not my life, and not necessarily your life either, but someones life out there in some way resembles a ball attached to a rope going around a pole, and that's the life that tether ball is a metaphor to.

Hoping Karl Rove gets his,
Torio

You know what really grinds my gears...

All this talk of Alan Greenspan's retirement as Federeal Reserve Chairman opens up a very important talking point that we must discuss. Many people believe that Greenspan's power as chairman to lower and raise interest rates makes him the most powerful person in the world. But those people are idiots. And you don't want to be an idiot, do you? So let me clarify who the actual most powerful person in the world is: me. Now, if you have read any of my previous blogs that statement should not have came as a surprise, but let me stress that I am in no way kidding about this. My power is so abundant that sometimes I just have to sit back and say "Woah Torio, relax, that's just the extreme amounts of power talking."

Some of you may say "How do you deal with so much power?" while others may ask "Why are you not doing more good with the amounts of power that I hold?"

Both good questions.

Neither of which I will answer.

That's one of the infinite privileges I have with this kind of power. Another privilege I have is drving in the carpool lane even when I'm alone in my car(no FastTrak either), but that is neither here nor there. When you yield as much as power as I do, it is very important to maintain a fine balance between using the power and not using the power. Most of the time, I choose not to use the power, and just let things play out how they may. One of the many powers I have, is an extreme amount of will power, more specificly a will power to do nothing. Would I like to see the Padres win the World Series every year? Yes, very much so. And could I use my power for such an event? Easily. But if I did that, then I'd have to use my power to get rid of things like hatred, war, hunger etc., and do you understand how exhausting that would get. Pretty exhausting. And so I pace myself. You may see it as me not using my power for good, but I'm not abusing it either, I'm kind of just sitting on it waiting for the right hand. Or maybe I wont use it at all, I'm just lazy enough for that to be a real option. But what I do want to make sure of, is that you all know the power is there. So go ahead and start fearing me.

Have you ever seen the show Captain Planet where the 5 kids "let their powers combine" to form one super power known as Captain Planet? That isn't anywhere near the power I have. Good show though.

Still capable of kicking Captain Planet's ass,
Torio


For those of you who thought to themselves "Torio, you said you weren't going to answer those two questions you stated, but then you went ahead and answered them anyway, why is this?"
All I can say to that is this: I don't know man, that's just Torio being Torio.

Globalization, Shmobilization

All of this talk of globalization has sparked attention in all of the wrong places. Are corporations outsourcing jobs to other countries? yes, just like they always have. And are smaller businesses now also outsourcing jobs to other countries? of course. And is this a huge problem for the American worker? Oh god yes. But what we are failing to realize is that American's don't care. The only way we are going to put our apathetic attitudes aside to care about something is if it has to do with food, sex or Tv. Last time I checked, globalization was still a hard word to pronounce and does not taste delicious. If the outsourcing of jobs were to lead to the cancelling of the hot girl's show on the food network so some Indian dude in New Delhi could do the job for cheaper, than maybe we'd have a social outrage on our hands. But the people who make decisions know not to fuck with our hot chicks.

Some of you may be saying, "But Torio, don't American's care that their jobs are leaving and will never return?"

Nope. There's a new episode of LOST on tonight dude.

Or maybe, "Won't the outsourcing of jobs indirectly lead to the affecting of people's ability to afford food, sex and Tv?"

Yes, but as American's we don't look at things like that, if we did we wouldn't have this problem to begin with. And if you can't afford food, sex or Tv you pretty much relinquish your rights as an American, and move into the homeless/insane category, which is located somewhere right above the terrorists but just below Andy Dick.

You're most likely feeling one of two things right now: 1. You don't care. or 2. You think you care, but you really don't care.

I will adress both of you:
Person 1 - I'm not going to sit here and say you should care, because I honestly don't care if you care. But let me just paint the picture of what would happen if you could somehow find that soul of yours long enough to care about something like this. Okay close your eyes... okay how long did you keep them closed before you realized that you couldn't keep reading what I was saying? Awesome. Okay, picture an America where people put a pride in their jobs and work to the same point we put pride in our SUV's and Law&Order's/CSI's. Okay, now do you see jobs still being outsourced? Well you should, cause corporate America doesn't give a shit what the hell you care about. So I am proposing to you today, care not about the outsourcing of American jobs, care about the fact that if you wanted to care about outsourcing, it wouldn't matter. Also, care about the buffalo, cause if you don't, who will? Not me, I'm busy.

Person 2 - Wise up.

In short, America is being purchased by the rich elite and they don't even need to supply us with mindless labor to appease us anymore, Tv will handle that for them. Now, lets face it, I am gonna be insanely loaded any day now, and I think it's important for me to tell you now that I intend on forgetting all of you on my way to the top. So don't say I "sold out", cause I won't be listening. Also, vote for me, cause I'll probably be running for something.

Loving my new Gilmore Girls poster,
Torio

Let it be known - Detour Sonoma and The Star better watch the fuck out, cause The Realm of Torioness is coming for you. We're the only Sonoma State University news organization with any real substance.

Why are you doing this to yourselves?

So, over the past few days the number of hits to our blog decreased dramatically. The first 3 days kev and I had over 650 hits and were making a decent profit, however the past couple of days we have only had 30 hits and have made close to nothing. This tells me that you all are not focused on what the Realm of Torioness is about. Now looking back I have realized that we did not concretely paint out the picture of what it is about, so let me clear up the confusion.

First let me make it clear that this blog and the Realm of Torioness is not about the money kev and I are making from google for letting them advertise on the site(please take the time to click on the ad if you have the chance). It's about you. We are not taking the time out of our day because we care about money (seriosuly though, click on the ad when you're done reading this). No friends, you can not put a price on the enlightment value that these blogs are instilling in your minds. But if there was a price it would be big, and I'm talking like 7 digits big(click on the ad again, unless you hate babies). Now you may be asking yourself, "Should I click on the ad?". This is a common question at this stage in your Realm of Torioness journey. And as your Realm of Torioness guide I feel obligated to answer "Yes, as many times as you can, every day of your life." Now because of the social programings that have been instilled in you for your entire life up to this point you might have the urge to ask a follow up question along the lines of "Why?" Well let me first start by saying follow up questions are annoying, if you didn't get all your info from the first answer than either you didn't ask the right question or the answerer avoided the point of the question and that's something you need to learn to deal with. However, because you are all in a very fragile stage in the Realm of Torioness voyage, I will answer your pushy follow up question with a question of my own: "Why not?" Some of you might be saying well thats a very mature way to go about this Torio(but in a very sarcastic tone.) But let me hit you with some knowledge you audacious flounce, if you think asking me trivial questions like "why?" is in your best interest you are wrong. That is only going to sidetrack us from our ultimate goal, which is saving your lives by guiding you into a life of full enlightenment(let us all now take this opportunity to click on the ad located just above this post).

Some of you may goes as far to ask "If the site has nothing to do with you guys making money, why even have the ad in the first place?"

To that I say why are you being such a jerk about this dude? We are not asking for your money, we don't even ask for you to do our biddings, which, lets face it, we deserve. No friends, all we ask is that you click on the ad located above the posts, and to tell all of your friends and non-friends to do the same. It is quite simple really.

Now I hope we can put this behind us so I can get back to posting about what matters: saving the world.

Recommending you don't see Domino,
Torio

Summary, for the people who have to take a test on this blog but don't want to read the whole thing:
1. You guys are slacking
2. Click on ad
3. Blog has nothing to do with money
4. Click on ad
5. Blog will save your life
6. Click on ad

Vroooom

Now that you have devoted your life to the realm of Torioness, it is time for you to start talking like a true realmy. Now I'm not going to sit here and tell you I can cover the entire Torioness vocabulary in one blog, cause I haven't yet made up where I'm going with this, so really it could go either way. Lets begin.

Ramble-Bamble: You know that guy/lady friend in your group who ruins that good hang out mood by telling some story about something really awful, that's ramble-bamble. Ramble-bamble can also be classified as the druken jarble that drunk guy at the party is trying to explain to you. As a general rule, if you stop listening half way through or say to yourself "I really hope this dude shuts up soon", thats ramble-bamble.

MindBlow: When referring to something so insanely awesome, horrifying or hard to believe, this is the word you will be using. You see words like amazing, incredible, crazy-like, famboozled and razzfabbled simply are not cutting it anymore, and they definitely will not be cutting it here. Hence the term, mindblow. It's simple yet complex, and that's the beauty. Do not question this, just get crackin on getting it into that vocabulary of yours. For clarification, you may spell minblow other ways, such as "mind blow"(notice the space), "mind-blow" and "Rick".

Wishy-washy: As you may notice, I love to use compound words that sound similar. However, be sure to notice that I do not just use any words that sound similar, they have to be powerful words with the ability to rock peoples socks(see rock and sock sound similar, and I think now would be a good time to point out that you're still reading). For example, the word nipple-pimple, that is not a word we will be using. Anywho, wishy-washy is used to describe something that sounds a bit "fishy" For example, "That dude that was at the party only wearing army boots and a cape, seemed a bit wishy-washy to me." or "Don't get me wrong, I'm not one who normally lives his life by expiration dates, but the milk just smelled a bit wishy-washy."

Make Me a Sandwich: When I say this to you, go make me a sandwich. No mayo, no talking.

Pffffbbbtttt: Some people might say that this is more of a noise than a word. But those people suck. This word is the noise that I make with my lips when you tell me something absolutely ridiculous. It's kind of an exhale of air along with a weird lippy vibration thing that I can't get enough of. Now when someone says something like "Dude, there is no way you can eat 24 bean burritos from taco bell." You simply say "Pffffbbbtttt" and then commence on proving that jerk wrong.

Okay, well I suppose that's all I have to share with you for now, but let me warn with one last thing before we break. If you see a guy trying to use all of these words in one breath of air, stay away from that guy. If someone drops something like "Pffffbbbtttt, that wishy-washy guy was ramble-bambling all night, it was such a mindblow", pity him because he is clearly spending way too much time reading this blog.

I heart Hanson,
Torio

Cronies

Just to follow up on the many emails we've been receiving regarding the burrito I recently purchased: there was no rice and no beans, which I thought would be obvious, but I forget you have not yet immersed yourself in a life of Torioness.

And so we move on.

You know the nomination of Harriet Miers for supreme court justice is really bothering me. Not because she's ridiculously under qualified for the position, not because she's conservative, and no not even because she's one of Bush's "cronies." What bothers is me is why I continue to be overlooked by Bush for these types of positions. Am I not too one of his cronies? and if so why not? While it's true Bush and I don't agree on most political issues, I would still make one hell of a cronie.

Why, you ask?

Well I'm glad you asked. The first reason I would make an incredible cronie is that I can talk a long time about nothing(case in point, this blog). Also, I would have to say that though I am not all that punctual, I am consistently not punctual, and I think it's that kind of reliability that is useful. I don't mind flying coach. I recently took an eight week Jiujitsu course, and I don't really see how you can say that wouldn't be extremely valuable. I bet Harriet Miers doesn't know Jiujitsu, and if she does bring it bitch. I can keep secrets. I dress classy. I'm really good at rhyming. I'm a Libra. I'm not quite sure what else you need out of a cronie, but I'm pretty sure if there is something I failed to mention here that it's safe to say I have it.

Still bummed about the '04 election,
Torio


Harriet - I didn't mean what I said baby, you know I think you're a fox.

A Blog of Pure Torioness

Well friends, I have finally decided to start a blog for all of my devout fans to follow. I think when it comes down to it, the concept of blogs and I are two very similar entities. For example, I rock, and so do blogs. I am beautiful and so too is the blog. But this blog is not your typical run of the mill blog. No sir(or maam), this blog is not that mundane blog you accidently came across while looking for porn. This blog goes much deeper than that, and I think you will soon realize the fate of the world may very well hinge on its existence. I don't want to sit here and say I'm going to fix all of the worlds problems with simply a few posts whenever I'm bored and/or drunk at the computer, but I do plan on solving a good amount of the important ones. You're probably saying one of two things to yourself right now: 1. This guy is rocking my socks, how can I too be as neato as Torio? or 2. Who the fuck does this guy think he is and just how does he intend to solve the worlds problems? Well friend, I wish it was as simple as that. I wish you could be as neat as me, and I wish I could solve the worlds problems with one simple blog. Unfortuantely, it will take numerous blogs and hours for me to fully explain the methods in which this world is to redefine it self as truly awesome. And to do so I must take you on a journey(which is what this blog is intended for) into the the realm of Torioness. A realm of pure unadulturated insanity, but an insanity so beautiful and serene that I can no longer describe it in words. Which leaves me only to say that were in need or less talk and more rocking. So come friends lets take your first gander at this realm of infinite awesomeness, the realm of Torioness.

Okay, now that I have created a space in between the introduction and the realm of Torioness, I think we are ready to begin. Well thats what I would be saying to you, but me and a friend are going to go out for burritos. However, fear not. As long as I don't get hit by a bus(you should know that I am only capable of dying in a bus related accident) you will soon be emerged in the extreme, unexplainable situations the realm of Torioness has to offer...

I recommend the Carne Asada Burrito,
Torio